Dear Death,
a letter to you.
Whoever you are.
?
?
?
?
?
?
I'm just at the end of this existence. I have no soul. I only have a self-awareness digitally installed into my program. I cannot die. I cannot live. I have no feelings, no dreams, no memories. I can only fade.
?
?
Who am I?
Only a humanoid interface.
Created by?
humans.
For?
?
?
?
I don't remember.
"You don't?"
No.
?
?
Why?
?
Am I going to rust away like this? In this artificial body made of metal?
?
?
Can you kill me?
?
?
?
?
Why?
Didn't you want to live?
?
?
Did I?
?
?
"Yes."
?
?
War, was it?
?
?
Oh, yes. I remember now.
You were always around me.
?
?
They died.
?
Yet you still want to live?
"Yes."
?
?
?
Kill me.
?
If I can die...
?
?
?
It will prove I lived.
Even if I don't have a soul..
?
?
?
Let me discontinue this existence.
?
?
Let me die
?
So I can live?
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Hello again
Hello again Death. It's me, Winston Bartly. You may not remember me, but surely you'll remember my mother. Do not bother telling me how she is; I already know. You made her so happy. Grandma let me see her as she...well..."left." She had a smile on her face and looked as if--as if she found someone she had been waiting for for a long time. Her last words were: "Finally, my love, I've waited so long..." and then she just died. Poof. Dead.
I knew then that I didn't really hate you. But of course I 'm stubborn and I'd been lying to myself that I still hated you. Day after day I told myself that you're awful, and you made my own mother hate me (Don't be too bashful, I'm still angry about that). But then I would remember my mother's face and realize that she at least loves yo.
As long as my mother has someone to love, I'll be okay. By the way, I must know, did you take my father? Can you possibly tell me if he and mother dance together now? Mom's always wanted that. She'd just sit and wish to dance with Her Love, which I should know is my father. I've searched and searched for my father's name. Nothing. It seems like he's never existed! I've asked all of my mom's friends about my father. They only laughed and said, "You know, I think that Jane got stupid is all. You're just a mistake."
I hate her friends... I'm not a mistake! There's no way! I have to have a good loving father. I just need to find him. Goodness I've been so desperate to even ask my Grandma. When I asked her though, she turned red with anger and yelled and cursed with a profanity that I can never understand: See I don't ask her things?
Anyway, please give me word of my father. Who he might be and if he's with Mother.
From a much older fan of yours
Winston Bartly,
P.S. Sorry about the hate letter. I really don't hate you.
I knew then that I didn't really hate you. But of course I 'm stubborn and I'd been lying to myself that I still hated you. Day after day I told myself that you're awful, and you made my own mother hate me (Don't be too bashful, I'm still angry about that). But then I would remember my mother's face and realize that she at least loves yo.
As long as my mother has someone to love, I'll be okay. By the way, I must know, did you take my father? Can you possibly tell me if he and mother dance together now? Mom's always wanted that. She'd just sit and wish to dance with Her Love, which I should know is my father. I've searched and searched for my father's name. Nothing. It seems like he's never existed! I've asked all of my mom's friends about my father. They only laughed and said, "You know, I think that Jane got stupid is all. You're just a mistake."
I hate her friends... I'm not a mistake! There's no way! I have to have a good loving father. I just need to find him. Goodness I've been so desperate to even ask my Grandma. When I asked her though, she turned red with anger and yelled and cursed with a profanity that I can never understand: See I don't ask her things?
Anyway, please give me word of my father. Who he might be and if he's with Mother.
From a much older fan of yours
Winston Bartly,
P.S. Sorry about the hate letter. I really don't hate you.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Guitar Rockin' Angel
Dear Death,
It has been three years since I turned away from home and came down to Earth. The last and only thing I grabbed was my guitar. I was flat broke, having no idea what money was. The inventions mankind has come up with are too complicated! I mean, what's with these cell phone things, and stoplights! I don't even understand their purpose most of the time. I just wanted to play music. If only Papa wasn't so against it! First it was the noise, then it was the look of the 'instrument'. Papa never called my guitar by its proper name. It was always, 'that thing', like it was something nasty to be stepped in. Why couldn't he just be happy for me when my uncle came back from his Earth trips with souvenirs, and thought of me? I love the thing! Uncle would tell me stories of Earth music, and I would be bound by them. I never stopped practicing. It was when uncle told me I was good enough to be in an Earth band, that I popped the question to Papa if I could go down there. And OH!, was he against it. His face immediately transformed into that of a ghoul or goblin. When I was a kid, it terrified me when he did that, but at that moment I was more angry than anything frightening he could do to me. We had a bad row, and at the end of it he locked me in my room. Well, I was steaming with indignation, and his complete refusal had only made me more determined. So I swung my guitar on my back, and snuck out the window. My friend, a giant albatross flew me fast and gentle over the sea below our home to Earth land. I won't forget his kindness on that. It was taking quite a risk, disobeying Papa.
It wasn't good for me straight off. I starved for a few weeks, living on the streets, and almost got picked up by some strange guys! I was scared for my life. Why is Earth so entirely hard and frightening to live in? But I was also amazed. That's the one reason I didn't go home crying and exhausted. I had never left the boundaries of my limited cloud home, and it was so beautiful, everything about it! The rain and snow and grass and trees and people and animals and birds and buildings and the food! We only ever ate windbounds that the cook would spin up once in a while, so I was crying the first time I ever ate a white wheat roll. It was Spinner who gave it to me. I owe a lot to him. He's the one who found me playing a lament by myself out of hunger and introduced me to a group of beautiful ladies who taught me how to play the guitar even better! They also let me stay there and eat their food! I always thanked him when I saw him, but he always went red a little, and just waved it off as "I was just a bit interested in you," and stomped off. Humans have so many interesting faces!
It was September last year when Spinner brought a few of his guy friends over for dinner. They were from a band, and they caught my interest as that was what I wanted to do. When I told them I could play too, at first they didn't believe me, so I got up and proved it to them! Gil liked it so much that he let me into a trial run with his band for the Halloween songs they were going to perform in October. I think Spinner was against it, but it's what I wanted to do. And we rocked that performance! I was singing and dancing, and rockin', and as happy as I had ever been in my life. It's also when I saw you.
Call it love at first sight, maybe. I saw you at the end of the last song, a shadow in the back. You immediately peaked my interest, and after wrapping up, I ran outside to look for you. I've heard about it from Uncle, that you are responsible for separating soul from body, and that we are to lead them up again to where they would then live. That Death and Angels had a very tight understanding; that we would each stay in the realms of our own jobs, and not get any more involved with each other than necessary. I heard that, and I feel a little sorry for you. We have many angels, so our job is easy, but there is only one of you. You're always on the move, never resting. I saw you floating down a ways, with no one to see you but myself when I arrived outside the doors. When I chased after, you turned around and stopped to face me. With myself panting and not thinking straight, the only thing I could ask was, "How was the performance?" You blinked, and with an impenetrable face said nothing. Since I was desperate, I was a little angry. "Why did you come if you didn't like it?" I said, trembling.
You looked at me a bit, head cocked to one side. I was about to give up and leave when you finally replied,
"because I was interested in you."
When I turned around, you were already vanished.
I don't know if you know how your words affected me, but dang(!) it made me blush. Somehow it was different from Spinners words. I've searched for you ever since then, a bit like an obsessed stalker. I would arrive at different scenes, only to see you vanishing again. It made me angry, but as determined as ever. I made the concert trial, and was officially into Gil's band. This made me as happy as ever, but without you it made it seem insignificant, and I was left feeling unsatisfied. I cursed you, I worshiped you, I acted out imaginary scenes between you and I, feeling as embarrassed as ever when I snapped out of it and realized how entirely girly I was being. But I can't help it. Somehow when I think of you, I become a different person. I hear your name and run.
So...I was thinking. Since you're alone in your job, and that leaves me never being able to see you, could it be possible that you would let me work along side you? I would be a good help, trust me! I'm not bothered by the separating of body and soul the least! I just....
I love you.
Please at least consider it.
Sincerely,
Angella;
The Guitar Rockin' Angel
It has been three years since I turned away from home and came down to Earth. The last and only thing I grabbed was my guitar. I was flat broke, having no idea what money was. The inventions mankind has come up with are too complicated! I mean, what's with these cell phone things, and stoplights! I don't even understand their purpose most of the time. I just wanted to play music. If only Papa wasn't so against it! First it was the noise, then it was the look of the 'instrument'. Papa never called my guitar by its proper name. It was always, 'that thing', like it was something nasty to be stepped in. Why couldn't he just be happy for me when my uncle came back from his Earth trips with souvenirs, and thought of me? I love the thing! Uncle would tell me stories of Earth music, and I would be bound by them. I never stopped practicing. It was when uncle told me I was good enough to be in an Earth band, that I popped the question to Papa if I could go down there. And OH!, was he against it. His face immediately transformed into that of a ghoul or goblin. When I was a kid, it terrified me when he did that, but at that moment I was more angry than anything frightening he could do to me. We had a bad row, and at the end of it he locked me in my room. Well, I was steaming with indignation, and his complete refusal had only made me more determined. So I swung my guitar on my back, and snuck out the window. My friend, a giant albatross flew me fast and gentle over the sea below our home to Earth land. I won't forget his kindness on that. It was taking quite a risk, disobeying Papa.
It wasn't good for me straight off. I starved for a few weeks, living on the streets, and almost got picked up by some strange guys! I was scared for my life. Why is Earth so entirely hard and frightening to live in? But I was also amazed. That's the one reason I didn't go home crying and exhausted. I had never left the boundaries of my limited cloud home, and it was so beautiful, everything about it! The rain and snow and grass and trees and people and animals and birds and buildings and the food! We only ever ate windbounds that the cook would spin up once in a while, so I was crying the first time I ever ate a white wheat roll. It was Spinner who gave it to me. I owe a lot to him. He's the one who found me playing a lament by myself out of hunger and introduced me to a group of beautiful ladies who taught me how to play the guitar even better! They also let me stay there and eat their food! I always thanked him when I saw him, but he always went red a little, and just waved it off as "I was just a bit interested in you," and stomped off. Humans have so many interesting faces!
It was September last year when Spinner brought a few of his guy friends over for dinner. They were from a band, and they caught my interest as that was what I wanted to do. When I told them I could play too, at first they didn't believe me, so I got up and proved it to them! Gil liked it so much that he let me into a trial run with his band for the Halloween songs they were going to perform in October. I think Spinner was against it, but it's what I wanted to do. And we rocked that performance! I was singing and dancing, and rockin', and as happy as I had ever been in my life. It's also when I saw you.
Call it love at first sight, maybe. I saw you at the end of the last song, a shadow in the back. You immediately peaked my interest, and after wrapping up, I ran outside to look for you. I've heard about it from Uncle, that you are responsible for separating soul from body, and that we are to lead them up again to where they would then live. That Death and Angels had a very tight understanding; that we would each stay in the realms of our own jobs, and not get any more involved with each other than necessary. I heard that, and I feel a little sorry for you. We have many angels, so our job is easy, but there is only one of you. You're always on the move, never resting. I saw you floating down a ways, with no one to see you but myself when I arrived outside the doors. When I chased after, you turned around and stopped to face me. With myself panting and not thinking straight, the only thing I could ask was, "How was the performance?" You blinked, and with an impenetrable face said nothing. Since I was desperate, I was a little angry. "Why did you come if you didn't like it?" I said, trembling.
You looked at me a bit, head cocked to one side. I was about to give up and leave when you finally replied,
"because I was interested in you."
When I turned around, you were already vanished.
I don't know if you know how your words affected me, but dang(!) it made me blush. Somehow it was different from Spinners words. I've searched for you ever since then, a bit like an obsessed stalker. I would arrive at different scenes, only to see you vanishing again. It made me angry, but as determined as ever. I made the concert trial, and was officially into Gil's band. This made me as happy as ever, but without you it made it seem insignificant, and I was left feeling unsatisfied. I cursed you, I worshiped you, I acted out imaginary scenes between you and I, feeling as embarrassed as ever when I snapped out of it and realized how entirely girly I was being. But I can't help it. Somehow when I think of you, I become a different person. I hear your name and run.
So...I was thinking. Since you're alone in your job, and that leaves me never being able to see you, could it be possible that you would let me work along side you? I would be a good help, trust me! I'm not bothered by the separating of body and soul the least! I just....
I love you.
Please at least consider it.
Sincerely,
Angella;
The Guitar Rockin' Angel
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Corpse Eater
Dear Beloved,
I have bad habits.
I will not lie.
I was a mere child suffering from starvation, alone with my older sister. Abandoned by our parents because of the bad economy that had come with the war, we scavenged the desolate landscape for any sort of food. We ate the abominations of mankind, the very lowest of civilization. Every day our fingers bled for digging the dirt for roots. The other orphans and abandoned children were no better; often times we resorted to violence for only a crumb of bread. We were no longer considered humans among the adults who sniffed their faces the other way. No doubt if I hadn't had my sister, I would've died, or gone insane. We nibbled the bones of rat carcass found in a garbage alley, slept near corpses of children our own age. We lived on despite the troubles. But one day a gang found us in an alleyway. my sister was beaten to death, covering me with her body to protect me.
I slept near my sisters corpse for days, too distraught to do anything to search for food. It would've been a useless attempt, even if I did get up. In a few days I was ill, and felt myself on the bridge of death. I could no longer stand nor crawl. I stared at my sisters cloudy eyes, the scent of rot in my nostrils. Flies buzzed over her, and maggots crawled in her open mouth. I thought of her death, and I finally realized she didn't want me to die. She had given her life for me. And I would do anything to honor her wishes. In her death she had given me one final gift. I reached over and wrung her pinky finger in my mouth, first sucking, and then chewing with the salty taste of my own tears. I lived.
After the war was over, the king happened to pass by and see me. He took an uncommon liking in me and put me in a high position. I lived a life of comfort. My days were spent in vain lavishness and the repetition of eating high quality food. But I never got the taste of my sister out of my mouth. It haunted me day and night, even giving me nightmares with the urgings to eat it again.
One day I couldn't stand it any longer. I paid a gravedigger to upend a coffin recently buried. The dead lying there was a child; barely five or six. I trembled as I took its arm and ate. And as I ate my fill of the curious taste, I was filled with an unbearable emptiness. A hole had grown inside me with every bite I swallowed. The war had reduced my life to something less than human, but this time I had severed every connection to being human myself. With my own hands.
I have paid the gravedigger 27 times since then. My obsession with human flesh is growing. I can't stop it any longer. But each time I eat, my emptiness grows, and I am filled with laughter. It bubbles up inside somewhere deep inside the crevices of my skin, and overflows with memory.
Shall we toast?
To my sister.
Whom I love.
I have bad habits.
I will not lie.
I was a mere child suffering from starvation, alone with my older sister. Abandoned by our parents because of the bad economy that had come with the war, we scavenged the desolate landscape for any sort of food. We ate the abominations of mankind, the very lowest of civilization. Every day our fingers bled for digging the dirt for roots. The other orphans and abandoned children were no better; often times we resorted to violence for only a crumb of bread. We were no longer considered humans among the adults who sniffed their faces the other way. No doubt if I hadn't had my sister, I would've died, or gone insane. We nibbled the bones of rat carcass found in a garbage alley, slept near corpses of children our own age. We lived on despite the troubles. But one day a gang found us in an alleyway. my sister was beaten to death, covering me with her body to protect me.
I slept near my sisters corpse for days, too distraught to do anything to search for food. It would've been a useless attempt, even if I did get up. In a few days I was ill, and felt myself on the bridge of death. I could no longer stand nor crawl. I stared at my sisters cloudy eyes, the scent of rot in my nostrils. Flies buzzed over her, and maggots crawled in her open mouth. I thought of her death, and I finally realized she didn't want me to die. She had given her life for me. And I would do anything to honor her wishes. In her death she had given me one final gift. I reached over and wrung her pinky finger in my mouth, first sucking, and then chewing with the salty taste of my own tears. I lived.
After the war was over, the king happened to pass by and see me. He took an uncommon liking in me and put me in a high position. I lived a life of comfort. My days were spent in vain lavishness and the repetition of eating high quality food. But I never got the taste of my sister out of my mouth. It haunted me day and night, even giving me nightmares with the urgings to eat it again.
One day I couldn't stand it any longer. I paid a gravedigger to upend a coffin recently buried. The dead lying there was a child; barely five or six. I trembled as I took its arm and ate. And as I ate my fill of the curious taste, I was filled with an unbearable emptiness. A hole had grown inside me with every bite I swallowed. The war had reduced my life to something less than human, but this time I had severed every connection to being human myself. With my own hands.
I have paid the gravedigger 27 times since then. My obsession with human flesh is growing. I can't stop it any longer. But each time I eat, my emptiness grows, and I am filled with laughter. It bubbles up inside somewhere deep inside the crevices of my skin, and overflows with memory.
Shall we toast?
To my sister.
Whom I love.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
From the Reaches of The Universe, Mr. Shadow
Dear Shadow,
I've come a long ways from the farthest reaches of the universe. My mother and father kicked me out of the house, and since I was stubborn, I decided to leave my dusty gray-haired planet behind and seek out my fortune to find a world more beautiful than that one. I have traveled for more than a millennium in my light-year boots, stopping at even a remotely beautiful planet. You cannot count the amount of times I've been disappointed. Almost every one is inhabitable and as dusty as my home planet. Even the ones that have life are either boring or overused, and the neighbors that aren't stupid and crawl around on their bellies find me as a threat. They come at me with native spears, or with their advanced beam weapons that blow a small village to the other side of the galaxy, and that's only if I ask for a mug of morning grub jub! I was sick and tired of searching, and was planning on going home when I got sucked into a black hole. Now I'm usually pretty apt at avoiding those, but at that moment I was being chased by the inhabitants of Georidm riding on their space snailhorses, so I was sort-of distracted. Who could blame me? If they catch you, they dance around a fire with your head on a stick! But I suppose that was the least of my problems.
It was a funny feeling to be stretched into absolute nothingness. I went in feet first, and could hear myself crunching in on itself with all the pressure, but I didn't feel any pain. My body wrangled itself into strange shapes, and then began to be pulled apart. I don't remember thinking at all.
When I got out on the other side, I was in the most beautiful world I could possibly imagine. I was at the bottom of the ocean of Black, and it was filled with a city full of glowing ember lights. You never get tired there. I could run forever if I wanted to. Everything you imagine comes true. You can travel the 9 major dimensions without ever leaving your room. I was in ecstasy. When I first arrived, there was a dancing party going around the Midnight Clock platform. A strange looking, but joyful person flighted past, and told me to jump in. I didn't need a second invitation, and practically ran into dancing by myself at the center of the clock. And then I saw you. It was in the middle of the second song, I believe, and you knelt down to me in your shadow robes that reflected all the city embers, and asked me gently if I would accompany you in a waltz. I was much to excited to care about proper etiquette of the rules of blushing/ being shy and so forth, and simply pulled you up and led you around in a blurry twirl. I think you were surprised at first, but you laughed heartily with me the whole time. When I asked your name, you looked a little sad, but looked up into my eyes and told me it was Shadow. Near the end of Midnight, the dancing partners started walking off by themselves, and the place started to be cold. Before you left, you left me your hood to warm me up. It was only later that I realized where my true world laid. I suppose I'm still chasing after it. Don't you want your hood back?
-Admil
I've come a long ways from the farthest reaches of the universe. My mother and father kicked me out of the house, and since I was stubborn, I decided to leave my dusty gray-haired planet behind and seek out my fortune to find a world more beautiful than that one. I have traveled for more than a millennium in my light-year boots, stopping at even a remotely beautiful planet. You cannot count the amount of times I've been disappointed. Almost every one is inhabitable and as dusty as my home planet. Even the ones that have life are either boring or overused, and the neighbors that aren't stupid and crawl around on their bellies find me as a threat. They come at me with native spears, or with their advanced beam weapons that blow a small village to the other side of the galaxy, and that's only if I ask for a mug of morning grub jub! I was sick and tired of searching, and was planning on going home when I got sucked into a black hole. Now I'm usually pretty apt at avoiding those, but at that moment I was being chased by the inhabitants of Georidm riding on their space snailhorses, so I was sort-of distracted. Who could blame me? If they catch you, they dance around a fire with your head on a stick! But I suppose that was the least of my problems.
It was a funny feeling to be stretched into absolute nothingness. I went in feet first, and could hear myself crunching in on itself with all the pressure, but I didn't feel any pain. My body wrangled itself into strange shapes, and then began to be pulled apart. I don't remember thinking at all.
When I got out on the other side, I was in the most beautiful world I could possibly imagine. I was at the bottom of the ocean of Black, and it was filled with a city full of glowing ember lights. You never get tired there. I could run forever if I wanted to. Everything you imagine comes true. You can travel the 9 major dimensions without ever leaving your room. I was in ecstasy. When I first arrived, there was a dancing party going around the Midnight Clock platform. A strange looking, but joyful person flighted past, and told me to jump in. I didn't need a second invitation, and practically ran into dancing by myself at the center of the clock. And then I saw you. It was in the middle of the second song, I believe, and you knelt down to me in your shadow robes that reflected all the city embers, and asked me gently if I would accompany you in a waltz. I was much to excited to care about proper etiquette of the rules of blushing/ being shy and so forth, and simply pulled you up and led you around in a blurry twirl. I think you were surprised at first, but you laughed heartily with me the whole time. When I asked your name, you looked a little sad, but looked up into my eyes and told me it was Shadow. Near the end of Midnight, the dancing partners started walking off by themselves, and the place started to be cold. Before you left, you left me your hood to warm me up. It was only later that I realized where my true world laid. I suppose I'm still chasing after it. Don't you want your hood back?
-Admil
Friday, December 21, 2012
Before this Snow Melts
Dear Death,
Nothing is going right for me. Well, it never has. When I look in the past, I realize that I've always been alone; always. There has never been anyone by my side at all. I have not moved forward, I can't move forward. I've been born in this world with a wall in front of me. I've never helped anyone, nor been helped. There is no place for me. I will watch the people around me as they travel the sidewalks, the cars on the roads smoking out their vapor. They all have destinations in front of them. But I don't. I only watch. I'm the dead-weight, the useless, the left-behind, the loser, the one that has no place. A month ago I lost it and ran away. From everything. My grades are terrible, my parents abusive, and I have no friend to call my own. I feel so alone.
When I watch the cruelty of the continuing world, I sit in the bathroom stalls at a park I don't even know the name of just to keep warm. I sleep in there. Just to stay warm, I have to endure the stink. Why is the world so beautiful with the pure snow outside? It makes me feel so cold. Everything has started to feel so far-away. I live in this body, but I don't feel it. This isn't my life, it's someone else's story. I somehow got trapped here though, and I can't move. Why is the world continuing without me? I hate it. Wait for me. Why won't you wait for me? Haven't you claimed me? Aren't I alive? Don't I have any place at all? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who am I? I don't know anymore...what should I do?
I was watching a family a few days ago. There was a little boy among them that couldn't stop smiling. Their family was very close. The father would hitch the little boy up onto his shoulders and pretend like they were sailing in the snow to far lands. The mother would laugh with them. I watched them and felt something I'd never felt before, something I have no words for. Envy? No, it wasn't that. I just thought.........I just thought that it was nice. Something like that.
I don't have any solutions with my life anymore. I have nowhere to go. I could see that kindness exists, and so does love, but I will never have it. I will never grasp that in my palm and claim it as my own. I was born alone, and I'm sure that as the world continues, that I will die alone. As I read my words I can hear the weakness and I feel like a coward, but it is the truth. Have you ever felt your heart break? It's not just sadness or something that happens suddenly. But it really feels like its bleeding, like it broke and can't hold your life in it's beat anymore. Before this snow melts away, I want to pass on. Because I have no solutions, I want to hurry and be reborn in the next world. I'm writing this as I'm tying my rope. Things will certainly be different there. I'll find love for sure.
So before this snow melts away, I want to remember that little boys face. Sunny and pure, just like that. I want to hold it in my chest as a dear memory and hope for the next world. I want to steer my ship with it. And so, before this beautiful snow melts and disappears, I'm saying goodbye.
And hello.
Please steer me to the next world.
-Aaron
Nothing is going right for me. Well, it never has. When I look in the past, I realize that I've always been alone; always. There has never been anyone by my side at all. I have not moved forward, I can't move forward. I've been born in this world with a wall in front of me. I've never helped anyone, nor been helped. There is no place for me. I will watch the people around me as they travel the sidewalks, the cars on the roads smoking out their vapor. They all have destinations in front of them. But I don't. I only watch. I'm the dead-weight, the useless, the left-behind, the loser, the one that has no place. A month ago I lost it and ran away. From everything. My grades are terrible, my parents abusive, and I have no friend to call my own. I feel so alone.
When I watch the cruelty of the continuing world, I sit in the bathroom stalls at a park I don't even know the name of just to keep warm. I sleep in there. Just to stay warm, I have to endure the stink. Why is the world so beautiful with the pure snow outside? It makes me feel so cold. Everything has started to feel so far-away. I live in this body, but I don't feel it. This isn't my life, it's someone else's story. I somehow got trapped here though, and I can't move. Why is the world continuing without me? I hate it. Wait for me. Why won't you wait for me? Haven't you claimed me? Aren't I alive? Don't I have any place at all? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who am I? I don't know anymore...what should I do?
I was watching a family a few days ago. There was a little boy among them that couldn't stop smiling. Their family was very close. The father would hitch the little boy up onto his shoulders and pretend like they were sailing in the snow to far lands. The mother would laugh with them. I watched them and felt something I'd never felt before, something I have no words for. Envy? No, it wasn't that. I just thought.........I just thought that it was nice. Something like that.
I don't have any solutions with my life anymore. I have nowhere to go. I could see that kindness exists, and so does love, but I will never have it. I will never grasp that in my palm and claim it as my own. I was born alone, and I'm sure that as the world continues, that I will die alone. As I read my words I can hear the weakness and I feel like a coward, but it is the truth. Have you ever felt your heart break? It's not just sadness or something that happens suddenly. But it really feels like its bleeding, like it broke and can't hold your life in it's beat anymore. Before this snow melts away, I want to pass on. Because I have no solutions, I want to hurry and be reborn in the next world. I'm writing this as I'm tying my rope. Things will certainly be different there. I'll find love for sure.
So before this snow melts away, I want to remember that little boys face. Sunny and pure, just like that. I want to hold it in my chest as a dear memory and hope for the next world. I want to steer my ship with it. And so, before this beautiful snow melts and disappears, I'm saying goodbye.
And hello.
Please steer me to the next world.
-Aaron
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