Before this Snow Melts

Dear Death,

Nothing is going right for me. Well, it never has. When I look in the past, I realize that I've always been alone; always. There has never been anyone by my side at all. I have not moved forward, I can't move forward. I've been born in this world with a wall in front of me. I've never helped anyone, nor been helped. There is no place for me. I will watch the people around me as they travel the sidewalks, the cars on the roads smoking out their vapor. They all have destinations in front of them. But I don't. I only watch. I'm the dead-weight, the useless, the left-behind, the loser, the one that has no place. A month ago I lost it and ran away. From everything. My grades are terrible, my parents abusive, and I have no friend to call my own. I feel so alone.

When I watch the cruelty of the continuing world, I sit in the bathroom stalls at a park I don't even know the name of just to keep warm. I sleep in there. Just to stay warm, I have to endure the stink. Why is the world so beautiful with the pure snow outside? It makes me feel so cold. Everything has started to feel so far-away. I live in this body, but I don't feel it. This isn't my life, it's someone else's story. I somehow got trapped here though, and I can't move. Why is the world continuing without me? I hate it. Wait for me. Why won't you wait for me? Haven't you claimed me? Aren't I alive? Don't I have any place at all? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who am I? I don't know anymore...what should I do?

I was watching a family a few days ago. There was a little boy among them that couldn't stop smiling. Their family was very close. The father would hitch the little boy up onto his shoulders and pretend like they were sailing in the snow to far lands. The mother would laugh with them. I watched them and felt something I'd never felt before, something I have no words for. Envy? No, it wasn't that. I just thought.........I just thought that it was nice. Something like that.

I don't have any solutions with my life anymore. I have nowhere to go. I could see that kindness exists, and so does love, but I will never have it. I will never grasp that in my palm and claim it as my own. I was born alone, and I'm sure that as the world continues, that I will die alone. As I read my words I can hear the weakness and I feel like a coward, but it is the truth. Have you ever felt your heart break? It's not just sadness or something that happens suddenly. But it really feels like its bleeding, like it broke and can't hold your life in it's beat anymore. Before this snow melts away, I want to pass on. Because I have no solutions, I want to hurry and be reborn in the next world. I'm writing this as I'm tying my rope. Things will certainly be different there. I'll find love for sure.

So before this snow melts away, I want to remember that little boys face. Sunny and pure, just like that. I want to hold it in my chest as a dear memory and hope for the next world. I want to steer my ship with it. And so, before this beautiful snow melts and disappears, I'm saying goodbye.
And hello.

Please steer me to the next world.

-Aaron